"One does not become enlightened by imagining figures of light, but by making the darkness conscious."
— Carl Jung
In order to heal yourself and your relationships you have to become comfortable with your shadow side.
This is your dark side, the part of yourself that you are unaware of, ashamed of or embarrassed about. It is fear, judgment, perfectionism, control, resentment, regret, guilt, anger and greed. Each of these is part of you and me.
The reason we recognize these traits in others is because we have them in us, we are projecting the onto others.